Feel immensely guilty

Did someone really terrible after being a terrible partner to my ex wife

My wife asked me for a divorce, I was very confused and upset for a long time after. I completely blamed myself for the divorce for a while, but then I had some relief, there were some rumors about her cheating on me that I believed, most definitely because it allowed me to play the victim instead of learning and growing up. I let the anger fester. I called her out on the “cheating” in a matter of fact way, instead of asking her to clear up the rumors, I blatantly said that she did. We had a screaming match and both said some hurtful things, based on her response I believe her that she was telling the truth, and I finally see from her perspective how terrible I was in the marriage and through our divorce. She was the first good thing to happen in my life and I ruined it, and then instead of leaving the past behind me, I hurt her feelings to make myself feel better about how shitty I am. I did send an apology, and asked her not to forgive or respond to it. We won’t speak again. But I feel terrible for my actions, and will have to carry the weight of my actions for the rest of my days. If you ever read this my love that only wanted to help heal me from my own trauma that I brought into the marriage, I am truly sorry and I hope that you find peace and happiness in this life.