my therapist fired me

after a year, i finally asked and she told me she thinks i have npd, and specifically that i have covert narcissistic tendencies. I knew would be our last because when we met last week she shared why she thinks we should no longer be working together. And while I do agree with her points I’ve been in the depths of hell for almost going on a year now struggling to help myself even with her help and others. I was laid off last year for my first job out of college. I kind of saw it coming and i had wanted to leave sooner, but i didn’t know what i wanted to do next. 

Almost a year later and i‘m in almost the same situation. Which i attribute to wanting to fill the friend shaped hole in my heart, the unbearable pain i carry every day knowing that no one outside my parents really know me. At a lot of points this became even more important than finding a new job. So i went to events, went on apps, and eventually met a few girls i clicked with. But it’s hard to see people consistently enough to develop real relationships. And I am always the one initiating get togethers. Then i have one other friend, who deals with a lot. And even though we’ve known each other going on 4 years now, she’s more of a going out kinda friend. Doesn’t get too deep, which thus prevents me from attaining the depth i want from a friendship. Because she doesn’t really handle that stuff well. This weekend i was supposed to see her and this small group separately, and nothing happened both for very different reasons. But i felt so alone- I still took myself out. But i‘m sick of being alone, being an observer to people having a good time. Oh yeah and forgot to mention i live at home. Which comes with many of its own challenges. 

I just feel out of control, indulging myself constantly because life feels too heavy. I even started hooking up with random guys because I feel so deprived of connection. But there is no connection - it’s just about the sex. And frankly many of them are narcissists themselves too.

I just want to snap my fingers and be living the life i want, but i know life doesn’t work that way. I’m just burnt out pulling myself up from rock bottom constantly. My therapist was the one consistent relationship in my life for a year and now it’s gone. And it’s so hard to find someone else that’s good, she has the most/best credentials of anyone i’ve seen before but also charged a lot because of it. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m really sick of the daily fight to keep myself going.