My boyfriend (32M) withdraws for days after conflict and says the relationship stresses him. I (29F) don’t know how to handle this pattern.

TL;DR: My boyfriend says disagreements stress him out and make him question our future, even when the discussions aren’t really about our relationship. When something feels off between us, he often withdraws and stops communicating for a few days, which leaves me feeling anxious and confused. Recently he did this again and later said he had been thinking about breaking up. I’m struggling with the cycle of conflict followed by silence and don’t know how to handle a partner who withdraws like this after disagreements.

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My boyfriend recently told me that when we have arguments, he feels like he’s being “pulled back” instead of moving forward.

He said disagreements make him worry about what our future would look like. When he said this, I tried to explain that sometimes I’m not actually disagreeing. I just need time to process something before I respond. He said my tone sounded like I was trying to prove that I’m right.

This confused me because the topics he’s referring to usually aren’t even about our relationship. They’re often random discussions like how taxes work or how car loans work. But he still interpreted those conversations as disagreements.

He also said that some of my reactions to things that make me uncomfortable have been building up inside him. For example, if I see inappropriate videos of girls on his FYP or something that almost crosses a boundary, I might just say something like “hmm” and then move on because the discomfort is temporary. I didn’t think much of it, but he later said those moments felt like I was taunting him and that they were triggering for him.

Another thing he mentioned is that the tone I used when talking about a friend’s cheating husband sounded similar to the tone I used when describing his past behavior. I didn’t understand this comparison, but I tried to clarify my intentions and reassure him.

After that conversation, he ghosted me for several days. By day 5 I was very upset because he kept ignoring my texts and calls when I was trying to talk things through. I eventually told him that if he didn’t respond, I would assume we had broken up.

He finally replied and said he feels mentally unwell and that he wanted to talk earlier but couldn’t. He also said he wanted to break up. I told him I didn’t think he was in the right state of mind to make that decision and that I wouldn’t abandon him while he’s feeling this way. He responded “okay”

This situation also isn’t completely new. When we fight or when something feels off between us, he often disappears for around two days. During that time I usually try to explain my perspective and say that I want to repair things, but he doesn’t respond until days later. I can stay calm for a while, but eventually the silence becomes overwhelming for me and I crash out. That’s usually when he replies.

The most difficult part for me is the long periods of silence and the uncertainty about where we stand, especially when he says he’s evaluating whether the relationship will work.

I’m feeling confused about this pattern and unsure what’s going on in his mind and how to handle it. How should I approach this situation?