How do I save my relationship

I’m in a relationship with this wonderful woman for the past 2 years. She is the perfect woman and the best I could ever even dream of. We were supposed to get married this year.

Here is the story

We have been in arguments on and off a lot and she realises most of them were here fault. I tried to be the perfect man for her always and changed everything to fit her needs and so she feels happy and secure with me. She is someone who gets irritated by small things which turns into arguments leading to us not speaking for days. I realised that I can’t afford to lose a person like her coz so I decided to change myself. She acknowledged that I’m the perfect man and she thinks she’s toxic but I always pull the weight to keep us together. I’m completely okay with this as I am deeply in love with her.

Here is how I messed my life up

Because of constant fights, arguments, she wanting to leave every so often and me begging her to stay I went into severe anxiety and could never think straight. I was always on egg shells to ensure she feels loved and I don’t end up doing something to hurt her. Because of this state of my mind, I used to be alone most of the day as she was at work, I got into porn. Sever addiction, watching weird videos, exploring fetishes online and things like that. I’m someone who has a high sex drive but I’m not a pervert by any means. I started spending a lot of time on porn and felt calm while watching as my mind got diverted. I started exploring weird sites, watching things and the worst part - I read on reddit that a few people look for validation and the feeling of being wanted by texting hookers around. I fucked up and sent texts to escorts but purely to get their real pictures.

I used to tell them I want to come. Sometimes negotiate so they know I want to come and they would send their pictures. I know it’s fucked up but I was craving that 5 second hit. It was not frequent and only did it a few times. I’m not trying to justify my behaviour as I know I fucked up but for some reason I felt wanted for those 5 seconds when they called me baby. Our sex life was not good at all as we used to argue a lot and this made me push further in the hole.

I never met anyone of them. Never! I was not in it to have sex with anyone as I was not craving sexual satisfaction. I was craving someone to talk to me nicely and want me. All the while I continued to try to be perfect for her. I realised this is wrong and wanted to take therapy. I never told her what I’m doing.

When I say what I was doing, I want to clarify that it was not something which happened on a regular basis. It happened for 2-3 days and 10-15 texts in total and in which 5-6 of them never replied. 2-3 of them send pictures. I never continued conversations with them and ghosted.

2 days back she saw all the texts. She left me!! She packed her bags and went to our friend’s place and looking to leave country soon as she is from North America. I’ve been begging her to come back!! I’ve been assuring that nothing like this will ever happen again and I’ll give us the best life. I tried explaining that I know it was wrong but I looked at it as porn not that I want to go have sex with someone.

What can I do to save my relationship. I can’t see a life without her. She is indeed the perfect woman for me.