I mean, have you just thought about ☠️ yourself many times a day?

I am not gonna get into too much context, because i just dropped my whole lore in another similiar group. I have planned out and researched a bunch of thing that could off me, but I'm just too scared of the pain. Nothing else is stopping me except that.But yeah, is this a bad sign? Am i gonna do it soon? Please, I need help. What if I do it today?