I had a huge problem with food and my weight

TW: disordered eating, weight talk,

This was 2 years ago. Idk how it started. At the beginning of that school year, I was obsessed with my weight. I was 102lbs-104lbs at the time. I did everything to stay at that weight. I would wake up early in the morning just to walk around the whole house to burn calories.

Every time I ate most of the time I would make myself walk outside for 30 minutes to an hour thinking I would burn the calories I ate.

I had a scale in my parents’ bathroom. I would go in there every morning to weigh myself. I always had the door locked because I was undressed when weighing myself.

My dad kept getting frustrated because when he was getting ready for work he needed to go to the bathroom. But I was always in there with the door locked and kept making excuses for why I was in there. I counted calories even though I didn’t need to at that weight. Sometimes only eating one meal a day to stay the same weight.

One day I just got tired of always worrying about my weight.

So on a random day, I allowed myself to just eat whatever. I ate like shit that day. The next morning the scale went up. I was freaking out at first and I didn’t eat for the following day. The day after that I went on the scale and it was the same day I ate like shit. So I thought if I eat like shit for a day I can just fast or eat practically nothing the next day.

I started doing that. I would eat to the point I felt sick. Such as eating a cake, fries, a tub of ice cream, and cheese bread in one day. I was just glad that I could finally start eating whatever I wanted without thinking about my weight. Because I would eat as little as possible the next day.

Soon enough I just quit starving myself the next day. I would binge eat for a few days. I started to feel awful. A lot of times when doing this I wasn’t even hungry. I felt like I couldn’t stop myself. Even when it felt like I was going to throw up I still binged.

Then starving for one day became starving for a few days. I would eat the lowest calorie things possible like Skittles and a small tub of yogurt. That’s all I would eat throughout those days. Nothing else. I started to gain weight, obviously. It was noticeable. One time my mom just randomly pointed it out to me while we were talking about something that had nothing to do with weight. “You look like you’re gaining weight. Like in your arms and face.”.

I felt like I couldn’t control myself around food. I either binged or starved. In 7 months I gained 40 pounds. A lot of the clothes I bought earlier in the school year didn’t fit me anymore. I’ve never been that heavy before. And that’s the heaviest I’ve ever been.

I don’t how this whole thing stopped. I kept eating horribly. I just found myself binging less and less. I ate whatever I wanted. I’ve lost most of the weight now without exercising. During the summer before tenth grade started I was away from home for 2 weeks. I didn’t have a scale with me. So I couldn’t weigh myself. When I got home I only gained a pound. At first I expected to come home and be much heavier. I wasn’t able to skip eating there. Maybe that’s something that stopped this whole thing. I’m 112lbs. I’m still obsessed with the scale. I weigh myself in the morning, after school, after eating anything to be honest. But I don’t have the same problems I did back at 15.