Consider emotional immaturity

Disclaimer: What is stated bellow is my personal view based on me reading stuff. Please, take this view with a grain of salt, I'm not a clinical psychologist or anything but I do work in a related field.

Lurking on this and similar subreddits for a several monthss made me realize how many stories, despite each is a little bit different. share similarities. How many follow the same patterns and how often those in the roles of WP, BP and AP share significant similarities across these stories. But if reconciliation is off the table and they decide to leave you for the AP, each path to healing for the BP is different. Some rely on their strong boundaries and upon witnessing the disrespect they're served, they close the doors and walk away. Some redirect their attention to other loved ones, their career or their hobies and are healed by time and space. Some need constant reminders of the pain caused and of the shortcomings of their former partner to view them for who they are and detach. And some, some need to understand.

To reiterate, I think we BP are all combinations of the above to some extent but for some the need to understand what the F happened in their lives is stronger than for the others. And for you, affected by this curse, I offer a viewpoint that might explain some of the things you might still struggle to understand.

In my opinion, vast majority of cheaters are emotionally immature. Now this term is, again, in my opition, really unfortunate. because it sounds soft. Like when you're talking about a kid that will one day grow up and behave. While in reality emotional immaturity (as characterized in the first chapter of Disentagling from Emotionally Immature People) is a dangerous character deficit. Why?

In the book (that predominantly focuses on emotionally immature parents, but the point still stands) Dr. Gibson highlights some aspects of the emotional immaturity that you might be familiar with, such as:

• lack of accountability
• very limited empathy (your subjective experience doesn't register to them)
• egocentrism
• avoidance of the emotional intimacy, avoidance of deep topics and difficult conversations, poor receptive capacity
• avoidance of self-reflection (despite being smart or well educated person)
• affective realism (for them, the reality is what they feel it to be)
• bad psycological integration (they can say one thing and do the opposite without noticing the mismatch)
• hard if not impossible to reason with, often double down on their standing
• blurting the first thing that comes to mind and reacting with no regard for the long-term effects of their impulsivity
• easily jump to conclusions and take offese
• expect others to stabilize them emotionally and prop up their self-esteem, need for validation from outside
• you did the emotional work in the relationship, not them
• immature psychological coping mechanisms, they deny, dismiss, or distort any reality they don’t like
• low stress tolerance (that's partly why they often gladly accept our support but avoid giving it)
• oftentimes instinctively emotionally coercive, controlling you with guilt, fear, shame, or self-doubt
• project blame onto other people, blame-shifting

Among other characteristics, you might be still puzzled where that loving person you used to know go. There is something nicknamed Gumby effect (perhaps it has other names as well) which postulates that a person can stretch beyond their "base state" and what is comfortable to overachieve or look better than what we are. In relationships, when people are trying their best to make a good first impression, they stretch and stretch to be the best version of themselves.

Even if they show characteristics highlighted above over time, these things could have been hidden by this Gumby effect at first, because they tried hard. As they get comfortable, they retract to their base shape which is who they really are. Now, emotionally immature people are especially prone to this as they often learn to people please and overcompensate by stretching a lot and often. That's why, just maybe, they went strong at the start, professing deep love, giving you gifts and being the most gentlem caring and affectionate partner, showing signs of being able of the deep emotional intimacy.

Alas, it takes a lot of energy and stress in order to play someone you're not. To keep stretching. When they meet someone new, it's a source of new validation, new relationship energy, mystery, adventure. Now they have energy and motivation to stretch again. That's why you often see them go hard and strong, do things you begged for years and be the partner you wished to have.

And if you're struggling with being at peace with all that, remember that it's just Mr stretch Armstrong stretching. These people don't change for someone else, only if they themselves hit the very rock bottom and are forced to change their ways and reflect, And even then, it happens rarely.

You have seen them for who they really are. During relationship and, especially, in the time of crisis and its aftermath. So you know whether Gumby collapses and when.

Love and Hugs.