I think I recreated a father–daughter dynamic and I don’t know if it’s healthy

For context, I’ve had a fair amount of trauma in my life especially with abuse and sexual violence, and I don’t have a good relationship with my biological dad. Because of that, I think I’ve always had this kind of “gap” when it comes to father figures. I never really knew I had daddy issues until I met him and realised i looked up to him a lot as a father.

A few years ago I met an older mentor who slowly kind of stepped into that role in my life. Hes 41 years older than me and i met him through university as he taught me for half a year.

he literally told me he loved me like a daughter. He’s would refer to us having“father-daughter talks” and even said that one day he’d give me away at my wedding. That meant a lot to me because I’d always secretly wished someone would want that role in my life. He called himself my father and for months I called him dad, and I'd text him goodnight and that I loved him. It was completely platonic, none of us had any sexual feelings. Now I call him Uncle.

Our dynamic is… complicated though.

He’s very gruff and blunt. He tells me off a lot. Calls me lots of names sometimes, gets exasperated with me, lectures me about my decisions. I argue a bit sometimes but usually end up apologising and listening to him. It honestly feels like a dysfunctional father-daughter relationship sometimes.

The weird thing is that even though he scolds me probably 90% of the time, I still go to him about everything. I text him about things happening in my life, things I’m worried about, random stuff, achievements, mistakes. And when something goes really wrong in my life, he’s usually the first person I want to tell.

Even though I know I’ll probably get a lecture first.

For example, today he got really angry at me because I told him I’d go home at 6pm but ended up staying later in the lab. From my perspective I just got caught up working, but to him it was like I’d broken a promise and lied. I apologised but he kept making a big deal about it. And he kept saying how I "lied" and "made a promise and broke the promise". I know hes looking out for me and doesn't want me going homr alone when its late at night (it takes me an hour to get home).

The thing is, he very rarely says anything positive to me. Anything positive I share with him, he always finds something to scold me about. It makes me feel really sad. It feels like Im just not good enough. But at the same time, I know he cares about me because last year he got into trouble for talking to me, and was told to cease contact with me. However he continued talking to me and we agreed to keep the relationship a secret... until I finish uni. The whole relationship is just confusing to me.

And when he’s angry at me it hurts a lot… once when he was mad he said he was so angry he could smack me. I was so hurt after that because he knew I used to be beaten as a kid, so why would he say that. but weirdly I still feel safe with him. Like underneath all the lectures and frustration, I still trust him more than almost anyone else in my life. I also don't have very good boundaries and I have had discussions about my s*x life with him before and all of that stuff, and yes Im ashamed, but im also autistic and have no awareness.

I guess I’m struggling to understand this dynamic. Is this just what messy mentor / father-figure relationships can look like? Or have I accidentally created an unhealthy attachment pattern because of my past?

Part of me worries I’m constantly trying not to disappoint him.

But another part of me just feels grateful that someone cares enough to get angry when I don’t look after myself.

Has anyone else had a relationship like this with a mentor or older figure?