Sexuality Struggles (misogyny, AAP?)

Previously I've asked (very poorly worded, in retrospect) questions in lesbian-related subs and have had not super positive responses. Which I understand, but I'd really just like to be able to say what's in my head and have folks assume good faith or at the very least a lack of bad faith. In other words, I know my view/feelings aren't great, which is why I'm asking for input and advice in the first place 😵‍💫

So, sexuality. I am a bisexual woman (please hear my lack of investment in womanhood as a gender) and historically have struggled to frame my attraction to women coming from me also as a woman. This is the misogyny/AAP part: like others I've seen posting here, I get off on a man using a woman for his pleasure. I got off on being that man, while also going to great lengths to "make up for" my lack of penis to penetrate with. I don't think I was nasty to my submissive partners; they all seemed happy with proceedings and I always gave aftercare and whatnot. But as far as porn and fantasy went, it was (and still often is) not great for the sub. I know fantasy and reality are different, and I don't partake in porn anymore, but it still bothers me and affects how I see people around me and now myself, since I am largely the submissive party in my current relationship.

Side note: I spent a long time feeling like I wasn't attracted to women as a woman because of this idea of "sapphic" attraction which people describe as very sacred and separate entirely from the way a man is attracted to women. Is this just more gender nonsense? Are lesbians attracted to vulvas and think "I want to finger that"? I feel a bit absurd asking these questions but I promise I'm not trying to mock anyone, just genuinely trying to understand. (Tell me you're autistic without telling me you're autistic.)

In butch spaces, they talk about their pleasure coming from the sub's pleasure. I have a hard time with this. Sex as a trans man had dramatically diminishing returns until I detransitioned, and topping as a woman has the same pitfalls and what feels like trauma response from my brain. It's like I shut down entirely. Things go fine, and then there's the disconnect when I remember: oh right, my genitals don't quite work right anymore - oh right, I'll never be able to penetrate anyone - oh right, all I can do is use my hands or toys and imagination to bridge the gap. All of that is really disheartening and depressing and I feel like I'm shut out from half of my sexuality in a way I may not have been if I hadn't transitioned and got into my head that I should have had a penis :/

I want to get to a place where another person's pleasure is enough for me, without my own baggage getting in the way. Is that even a reasonable goal? And I want to be able to be attracted to women without the followup thought: I wouldn't bother trying to have sex with her, since I have this body, but it'd be hot for a man to do it.

Does anyone relate to this stuff? Does anything help?