I’m so ashamed

I’m not a really good head space rn and I really want to sh. I have been clean for 1,5 month now.

The last time I did it I went too deep I couldn’t go to school because of it ( I had track that day). So that scared me and made me stop.

I just hate that I sh. I wish I had a different way to cope but I don’t. And all my friends basically know and it’s just so embarrassing. My friends have been wanting to go swimming for a while now and I always can’t go because I don’t know when I’m going to relapse. I just wish I was a normal teen girl.