When I Realized I Was Changing

Changing myself has been hard.

Not the kind of hard people post about like it’s a lesson learned.

I mean the kind where you have to look at your own actions

and admit you became someone you didn’t even like.

There was a time where I stopped caring about a lot of things.

About my body.

About my mind.

About who I was around.

Drugs started becoming normal to me.

Not because I thought it was cool,

but because it made everything quiet for a little while.

When my head was loud, when memories kept coming back,

it was easier to numb it than deal with it.

Those nights started blending together.

Long nights with people I barely knew,

rooms full of smoke, alcohol, loud music,

people laughing too hard at things that weren’t really funny.

Everyone pretending they were fine.

Sometimes I would wake up the next day

trying to remember what even happened.

Who I talked to, what I said, where I went.

Pieces missing like parts of my life

I didn’t even get to experience fully.

I told myself it didn’t matter.

I told myself that was just life.

Just crazy nights.

Just being young and reckless.

But underneath all of it

something else was building inside me.

Anger.

Not just normal anger.

The kind that sits in your chest

and waits for a reason to come out.

At first it was small things.

Getting irritated easily.

Snapping at people over nothing.

Feeling like everyone was trying to disrespect me.

But the more I ignored it

the worse it got.

I started getting into situations

where I didn’t even mind if things got physical.

There were moments where putting my hands on someone

didn’t feel like crossing a line anymore.

And that’s something that’s hard for me to admit.

Because growing up

I knew exactly how that kind of anger felt

when it was directed at you.

I grew up seeing it.

Feeling it.

My dad’s anger was something I always promised myself

I would never carry.

I remember telling myself when I was younger

that I would never be that kind of person.

Never someone who let anger control them.

Never someone who made people feel small or afraid.

But somewhere along the way

I lost myself for a while.

And the truth is

for a period of time

I did become the person I didn’t want to be.

Not forever.

But long enough for it to scare me.

I remember a moment where I stopped and really looked at myself.

The way I reacted to people.

The way anger came out of me so quickly.

The way I didn’t always care if someone got hurt.

And the thought hit me so hard it made my stomach drop.

I’m turning into him.

Not exactly the same.

But close enough to make me sick to my stomach.

Because I knew what it felt like

to grow up around someone whose anger filled the room.

Someone whose temper could change everything in seconds.

And realizing I was starting to carry that same energy

made me feel like I was losing the person I really was.

For a while I stayed stuck there.

Drugs, chaotic nights, anger, bad decisions.

Acting like nothing bothered me

when really everything did.

But eventually something inside me got tired.

Tired of waking up feeling empty.

Tired of feeling like I was becoming someone

I used to be scared of.

I started realizing

that if I didn’t change something

I was going to keep hurting people

and hurting myself too.

And that wasn’t the life I wanted.

Changing didn’t happen overnight.

It still hasn’t.

Some days I still feel that anger sitting in my chest.

Some days the old habits try to pull me back.

But now I notice it.

Now I stop and think before reacting.

Now I try to walk away instead of escalating things.

Now I try to face my emotions

instead of burying them under drugs or chaos.

It’s uncomfortable sometimes.

It’s slow.

And honestly it’s messy.

But it’s real.

Because the truth is

I’m not pretending I was always a good person

or that I handled everything the right way.

For a while I didn’t.

For a while I really did become someone

I never wanted to be.

But the difference now

is I see it.

And I’m trying every day

not to stay that person.

Changing myself has been hard.

But staying the same

and letting that anger turn me into someone like my dad

would have been harder.

So I keep trying.

🫧💜✨