Can’t find any purpose; weakened faith

So, I’m one of those people who was partially raised by their parents. My grandpa died in August 2022, and my nana died July 2024. When my grandpa died, I still felt his presence through my nana, but when she died, grief hit me like a truck. I’ve always had a strong faith in God, there’s been many moments in life where my faith was the only thing keeping me going forward, but it’s completely shaken now.

Nothing feels important anymore. I can’t find purpose in anything I do. I’ve been in a 2 year long existential crisis and can’t figure out how to get out of it. I was drinking a lot, using a lot of kratom, and smoking a lot of weed to deal with the terrifying storm of grief (I’ve been dependent on drugs/alcohol since about 2019). I went to detox back in December and have been sober for 95 days now.

I only mention that to point out the fact that, not only is my brain’s chemistry altered by grief, but it’s also dealing with all the negative effects of going sober after using mind altering substances for so long. I’m in my first semester of my nursing program. I’ve been so excited for this moment to come, but I now struggle to find motivation to wake up everyday, never mind work and study. I look at the people I love and have immense fear of their death. I still have faith in God, but it’s not confident faith— I’m terrified that I’m wrong and we become nothing once we die. The thought of my grandparents existence being 100% gone and their bodies just rotting away absolutely destroys me.

I’m not trying to trauma dump, I only say all of this to help you understand my dilemma, so that I can ask for any advice if you guys have any. Have any of you dealt with these feelings of immense fear, yet complete numbness? The panic of wanting to fulfill all of your life’s desires, yet can’t find any purpose to do so? My faith in God is very important— simply not believing in him is not an option for me, but I’m too angry at him to have trust in him. If you’ve dealt with this loss of connection from God, how did you reform it? How did you gain back the trust you’ve lost for him? What helped you find confidence in your spirituality when life made you completely question it?

I see a therapist. I have a psychiatrist who has me on an antidepressant, which was actually working well for a few weeks, but it feels like it stopped being as effective as it once was. Idk. I’m working on myself, doing what I gotta do to get through these feelings, getting the help I need. I just thought I’d see if anyone had some advice from personal experience, wether it’s a point of view that’s helped you gain more comfort in life w grief or an actual action/habit that’s helped. If you ended up reading this far, thank you so much for listening!!! I hope you’re doing well. <3