Limerence or love? Why not both.

Dear honey buns.

25 days today. Was that the last time I'll ever hear you? Will I ever cry? I kinda have it only comes out of my left eye. Did you break me? I just want to feel again.

I think the thing I feel hurt the most is how easily I was discarded. you had your reasons which I understood. But was it too much for you to just tell me straight up? were you ever real?

When you asked me if I could change anything about you and I told you your height because I wanted you to see what I see. I omitted a few things.

I wanted you to be more vulnerable and let me help you my little rock, I wanted you to be more honest with how you felt, I wanted you to feel better about yourself and to forget all the things people said and treated you in the past, I wanted you to look at life with joy.

Our relationship was never on solid footing. I wish it was I hated being your secret. I hated hearing "right person, wrong time" when would it have been right? you said I was just for carnal release. you were willing to pay me in mtg cards and I thought it was funny but I never wanted anything from you other than love. Then one day you started telling me you loved me. I dug deep into your heart and pulled out the words I wanted to hear, "I love you Froggy".I was ecstatic, overwhelmed, flushed with happiness.

Were you stringing me along the whole time? Was I just a back up? A toy? I loved pleasing you. But I only liked being used for your pleasure because I wanted you to be happy not because I wanted to be a tool. I think you see love as "what can I gain from this person" I wanted you to feel unconditional love. you need care, reassurance, peace, a place to be weak. I wanted to be those for you.

When you told me you had your tubes removed I was saddened. Seeing you be so bright and happy with your children made me wish you were the mother of my children. When I told you that and you said you owed me a child I felt weird. You didn't owe me anything. I was hoping down the road if everything was going well and we both were in a better position we could have tried artificial insemination. Little did I know you had a miscarriage with me, then the prolonged period where we both thought you may have been pregnant after that. I wonder if that was the catalyst for you to change your mind. were you afraid of a third child?

Did that make you think I only wanted kids from you? I never experienced feelings for someone until you. I barely feel normal amount of love for my own family, even though I want to love them more. Frankly speaking I feel like a robot. The exceptions being my dogs. You made me understand lovers love. I knew familial love but this was not that. You were someone I loved because you earned it and I wanted it. I hoped I earned your love.

my mind has been very foggy and deranged since that day, It reminds me of my brothers death. I guess because in my mind if you never speak to or see someone again, they are dead. Being the exception you could reach out again but you cut me off and blocked me. You're the living dead now. I wish you would bite me one more time.

As you remember my mind is usually full of a couple of songs. Currently my mind is running They Might Be Giants - Istanbul (Not Constantinople), Jack Stauber - Milk, and Julia Wolf - In My Room. The In My Room song you showed me hurts so much more now. You gave me so much articles of your clothing from our encounters. I have a pile of them together behind my Donkey Kong Barrel plushie.The gifts I have in a clear deck box. Am I supposed to just forget you? Throw away these reminders of my first feelings of love. Why does my heart hurt so much again. are we even real? stepping into this world was a mistake. Yet I can't stop missing you. Loving you. I don't hate or despise you. I don't pity you. I just don't know anymore.

You used me. You wanted me to use you. Did you know I only did the things I did because you enjoyed them? I never wished to be rough on you. I never imagined I would be like that with someone. But I was willing to change for your pleasure. I adapted to be your release valve.To let out all the pent of sexual frustrations you had piled up. All i wanted was love. I am a fool.

You told me to put my heart into a bag. And you took that bag and curb stomped it. Now my chest is hallow but I feel its pain more than ever. I love you honey buns. But did you love me?

From your froggy 💜