Wish I could get MAID

A couple of months ago I tried to buy a shotgun and kill myself but I didn't have any form of ID so I wasn't able to. In fact I still don't have any form of ID because my mom lost my ssn card and didn't tell me until I was 18. I was looking into medically assisted in dying programs, I was planning to travel overseas and apply but no countries allow it for foreigners.

I'm just so tired of being alive everyday, I don't want to get better and I don't care about being alive. I've had anhedonia ever since I was a kid and never got to experience feeling happy. I never had any friends in school because everyone called me creepy because I would cry in class all the time and my eye bags were always bad. I wish any adult in my life would listen to what I have to say instead of giving my advice on what to do with my life. I don't want to do fucking anything with my life and I never will. I hate being alive when I have headaches and migraines nearly every fucking day and my doctors do nothing. Now I can't see even see a doctor because I don't have an ID. I can't see my therapist anymore and when I was seeing one he triggered me to have multiple flashbacks and I couldn't focus on my schoolwork for a week

I have ten siblings and both of my parents are alive but I don't like anyone in my family and none of them like me. All of them are transphobic and ableist. I wish I could smoke weed everyday or be an alcoholic so I wouldn't have to think about my shitty life anymore. Maybe instead of buying a gun I should stand in front of a train since it won't slow down in time. I don't fucking care who has to clean up my dead body when I'm gone. I wish I could kill myself without people trying to stop me because no one understands being poor with no way of getting better. I'm so fucking tired of my teachers telling me schools almost over and I should do my schoolwork. There is no fucking life for me after school, I sleep 12-14 hours a day and I wake up tired, I wake up in pain everywhere in my body and I can't do anything about it. And I'm stuck with my moms insurance and now I have 1k mental hospital bill that's going to take months to pay off. I wish people would stop trying to convince me life is worth living because I don't fucking care anymore.