can i just not be trans? is that allowed?

being transgender has ruined my life in so many ways i can’t even describe, when i’m older and get top/bottom surgery- can i lie to others saying i’m a mutilated amab and pretend to myself that i’ve always been male? 

figuring out i’m trans has had ZERO pros, i don’t care if it made me “empathetic”, i just wanna be a misongynstic, gay teen boy with internalized homophobia and a messy sexual awakening.. not a stupid, ugly girl who had none of that and WILL have none of that because my childhood is almost over and i’m nvr gonna pass

put clever end quote here cause i’ve been crying about this for weeks and can’t think to save my life

(repost because mods deleted my post even though i’m literally trying to ask a question that i hope i can find answers for since i can’t ask anywhere else 😭)