i'm a mess.

hi! i'm 23 and been living with my bf for a year. since we also started the relationship at the same time we started living together we didn't really know each other. he is 28. then a lot of financial issues happened because of him and also i feel my body doesn't feel safe with him (but i never feel safe anyways so that is just me and my problem). i also think that my intuition tells me that he treats me bad. but then he is also really amazing and caring. but inside i just think it is a paper. a role. well the thing is that it's been a month that he has been gaming non stop and i feel... lonely. i love my alone time for real but idk, we are on vacation and we didn't have fun together - just when i ended up playing with him or sex and groceries -. he always priorized me and was so attentive and suddenly everything feels so distant. but i also judged him a lot in the relationship because i actually hate his habits. the gaming, the sedentarism, the hedonism. he has made improvements but i can't stand all his issues. also we've been 365 days together basically so maybe we are burned out or something. we both have some antisocial tendencies here and there. anyways i find myself questioning "could there be a man who is healthier, a man who likes to spend walks with his girlfriend, do hikes and workouts? who can have a conversation without questioning me all the time?who i feel safe when talking?" and then i see the man who i feel more attracted to are really dominant and masculine (at first, their real selfs not rlly). i crave that and the physical attributes of a man. i haven't find a man who has all of that and who is interested in me for real. before my bf i was dressing really attention seeking and taking too many selfies with dumb faces and probably thats why no one loved me for girlfriend material. my bf realized now i am not really girlfriend material. he is now gaming and he turned his back to ask me with his thumb if everything is ok. he is attentive for real. so i feel sick when i feel this things. i have so many mixed feelings and it has been driving me nuts for months. fucking stressed. everything i feel love i also get a "but you realize how he will die soon due to his unhealthy lifestyle or you'll end up being the caregiver to this man who sometimes is mean to you?" and also sometimes i think he has a fetish about that. that and abusing and killing. he told me the first months together he would love the feeling of killing and we played (with my consent) with a knife in my neck. he started breathing so loud and said he couldn't control himself and had to stop. are you afraid of me? he said. i said i wouldn't mind being killed if you are the one who does it. on a mushroom trip we fucked with a roleplay of me being his servant and he the king. honestly that was fun we don't do that stuff anymore. the sex still good tho. 3 times a day and still fun. shit. sorry for the venting. i need help