Needing a mental dump

I’ve been carrying this around for the last forty-eight hours and will probably erase this post tomorrow. I just don't want to carry this negative energy around anymore.

Part of the perseveration—and where my mind keeps going—is that my family tells me my children are "in a prison." It’s not that my soon-to-be-ex doesn’t love them; she does, in her own way. We just have two completely different parenting styles. I am the "engaged but exhausted" parent. I’m constantly involved—doing homework, role-playing, baths, cooking together, and playing outside. I try to limit screen time, though I’m lenient when they clearly just need some downtime.

I let my youngest crawl and explore everywhere, but from what my oldest tells me, the baby doesn't get to crawl much at the other house. The toddler is also starting those two-year-old tantrums and exploring big emotions. Having been married to her, I know what that triggers and how her temper can be. My oldest has even mentioned their mom telling the youngest to "STFU" at times.

It just frustrates me. I love my children so much. I know that even if they were with me full-time, I still wouldn't be able to see them three or four days a week because of my schedule. My family can't watch them for that long, and I’m not comfortable with strangers watching them. They need their mother.

It just sucks that they have to navigate two different worlds every single week. On top of that, I have no idea if my ex is manipulating the truth or lying about the events that caused the separation—but my oldest brings it up lately.