I feel like shit

I know I need to stop. I really do not know how. I’ve been able to quit for one or two weeks at a time and my partner does not care at all. I think he does care but it’s been going on for so long that now going a week means not a fucking thing to him anymore. And I get that. I know it must be terrible. But I feel horrible. I texted 988 tonight because I just wanna be done with everything but I’m too scared to do anything for real. I really hate myself and I know I’m a piece of shit for drinking so regularly and I wish I could completely stop so people don’t have this hatred for me. I