dreaming

i had this dream earlier that i just cannot move on from. i don't know if being alone is driving me crazy but all i can think about is wanting to date an older guy.. especially some teacher a decade older than me who treats me sweetly and explains stuff to me, and i know it sounds weird since im 16 so i cant tell anyone, but i also know age gaps are normalized in germany so maybe if i just try to victimize myself someone'd finally like me again... all i can think about is the dream i had and i wish i'd never woken up please kill me it was the happiest i've been in ages and i wanna go back to my dream boyfriend waaaaa...