TW: ex-boyfriend sexually assaulted me while he was blackout drunk and I was sober. He never tried to bring it up again, so i carried it alone.

i have always had issues with blaming myself for things that went wrong.

We were together for 4 years (17-21), he was my first everything and i broke up with him in novmber. last Valentine’s Day I cried because he got me nothing for the holiday for 2 years straight and all I wanted was some cute flowers or chocolate. when I told him he said “I feel like u never listen or accept for who I am” and “I don’t get why you stay with me then, Ik it’s important to u but I cannot understand it” and I apologized for putting so much pressure on him by asking for flowers and blamed myself for being stupid and emotional, and that it was probably “pms” (which he completely ignored the texts to).  he had a lot of trauma that he never opened up to anyone about except for me, I just wanted him to feel loved, so I always tried to comfort him and he would shut down a lot. i think moments like this taught me to feel less inclined to speak up.

In July, he got blackout drunk, like obliterated. I was in bed, sober, trying to sleep and he forced himself on me. My words weren’t working so I put my underwear on and he took them off again to keep going. The next morning I told him what happened (he had no memory) and he said sorry and “you should break up with me”. I had to comfort him, I had to feel like I was okay and I had to forget about it for us to be okay. And he never brought it up again, I blocked it from my memory. A few months later it all came rushing back and I had to break up with him abruptly, moving out of our shared house with our friends. Even when I told him why I was breaking up with him, he treated it like it was a normal breakup and never directly approached the situation and called me the day after saying im the girl of his dreams and how he wanted to maary me. he also appeared confused to our roomates/friends, while sending them sad breakup ig reels. Eventually my roomate asked me what happened and I told them, and when he found out they knew, he told them about how we had a CNC dynamic (consensual-non consensual kink) and did not understand why this moment was different, even though he knows he was blackout drunk and I told him exactly why this was clearly not that.

I offered to help pay rent for the rest of the school year because I didn’t want him to pay so much after i moved out, and he took over after a month, telling me that he will "deal with it". I heard from my friends that he said he will pay for what was my portion of the rent “take accountability for what happened” but he never said that to me, and has blocked me on literally everything. Its been 4months since we broke up, I still think about it every day, and am in therapy and journal but this is difficult. i feel like all i wanted was for him to be there for me and to make me feel like understand what he caused