Trying so hard

I’ve been to rehab was sober after that for 9 months. Then I started to drink again. I know what I’m doing is good and it’s wrong. I just don’t understand how I choose to drink knowing it messes up my life. Those 9 months I was sober was probably the highest level I could function. I’ve been drinking for 7-8 months hard and I want to stop but I just can’t.

Why is this disease so controlling. Like I don’t understand how my mind and body just does it. I’ve had pancreatitis twice bad . I’m in my early 30s . Doctor said I’d die at 40 if I continue . I know that and somehow I just keep drinking.