Linal and calc 3 are kicking me in the backside

Maybe this is the wrong subreddit since yall have phds in math or wtvr, but goddam these two classes have had me questioning my math ability. It kinds started in calculus 2, where I didn’t really understand why things worked the way they did, so instead to save my grade I just memorized how to solve the problems. Ive been doing the same things in my calc 3 and linal classes, but it feels wrong. I used to understand what is going on and the “why” aspect of things (esp in calc 1, i loved that class) , but now it just feels like a list of steps. My classes are online and my professors aren’t responding so they aren’t much help. There are no calculus 3 or linear algebra tutors in our college tutoring center (its a small community college, im a high schooler taking dual enrollment courses there). Textbooks give me a headache cuz its just a bunch of nonsensical wordy jargin. Youtube helps a little but its far too time consuming and the inability to ask questions sucks. Ive been relying on chatgpt and gemini for help (not to do work for me, just as a teacher), but they aren’t the best. Kinda confused on what to do or if my approach is right at all. Idk this post has no real purpose, i just wanted to collect my thoughts.