I took my condom and I cannot live with myself because of it

Hi, I 2 years ago at the time I (19M) and her (18F) were having a one night stand, she told me to wear a condom cuz she doesn’t want to have STDs. So I only had one at the time and I got it to use it and we doing it. She had a curfew at 11 so I was doing everything to hurry things up and I was having a really hard time cumming so I pulled out pulled it off, trying to stroke it to cum then at the moment I completely disregarded her choices not even thinking about anyone but myself and went back in. It took maybe a minute of clarity for me to realize how majorly I fucked up and that I just raped her, I immediately told her what I’ve just done. The next day she very obviously distanced herself from me and never want anything to do with me. I know I cannot make amends with her or get forgiveness from her, if anything I don’t want her to forgive me. I’ve done everything I could do to better myself two years later. I’ve quit watching porn after being a major addict for 12 years and I’m trying to get into therapy after saving up enough money so I could afford it. But I legitimately cannot get together with anyone because of I what did to her 2 years back cuz I’m scared I’m gonna hurt someone else. Everyone I’ve gotten close to I’ve always end up telling cuz of how guilty I feel and it never even on topic or they found out. I just always will tell someone what I did even if they see me as a friend. I could never let myself get away with it even after getting everything I want in life even if she ever forgave me. I know I’m a terrible person for doing this