Burnt out clinical year

I don’t want to be a PA anymore. I’m on my 9th rotation, and I honestly can say that I feel no joy learning medicine anymore. Every day I drive to my clinical site wishing a car would hit me so I can be put out of my misery.

I’m tired of always being stressed out about being not good enough, being stupid and slow, comparing myself to others, studying all the time but never knowing the right answer in front of my preceptors… I try SO DAMN HARD yet I’m frustrated that my efforts aren’t reflected in my performance during rotations. I still freeze up and go blank when I’m pimped. I find myself very forgetful and always needing time to process the information told to me. I’m sick of waking up early, being “on” for patients and preceptors, coming home late to study for the rest of the evening, and sleeping 6hrs EVERY SINGLE DAY. My weekends consist of just studying. I used to destress with running, watching videos/movies, and reading comics, but now they don’t bring me as much joy anymore. I’ll give myself 30 minutes for an evening walk to destress and all I can think about is how to get back home on time or else I’ll be behind on studying. It’s like I’m always on a time crunch and never fully relaxing on my study breaks. I used to like talking to patients, but now I just want them to stop talking so much. I don’t care anymore. I don’t have the passion, energy, or empathy anymore. I’ve lost my motivation and my reason to be a PA. I feel overwhelmed from always trying to problem-solve and fix complicated things. I’m scared to make a mistake that could hurt someone. I’m 110% introverted so I feel drained by the end of the day. I come home grumpy and wanting to just be left alone in the quietness and darkness.

When I failed my last OSCE and was preparing to retest, I thought about what would happen if I failed again and was kicked out of the program. And honestly… I strangely felt at peace with the idea of being kicked out of my program and never being a PA. Healthcare is a mess. Health insurance is a pain in the ass. Administrators only care about profit. Patients suck. I don’t think I’ll be happy as a PA. I also don’t think I’m ready to be a PA either. I want out. But, I’m too far in and I’m not sure what I would do if I decided to never work in healthcare again. I apologize for whining about it but I needed to let it out.