One year without my daddy.

Apologies for format, I’m on my phone and my brain isn’t right.

This day last year we lost my stepfather, he was basically the man who raised me as I was a young child 4-5yrs? when my parents divorced. I was ten when I was the flower girl at their wedding. That man is my daddy.

I knew that today would be hard, I knew I’d struggle. I’ll admit what I didn’t know was my level of .. anger? For today. I did warn my children and husband of the upcoming date, as if my kids didn’t know… He was a big part of their lives, he showed up at school, donated money, babysat, and even kept them overnight with my mother (he did lots of the entertainment as well while she cooked or unwound as they were still working).

Anyway, moving on to the rest of my story we lost him last year due to a widow’s maker. It was awful. I don’t want to go into details but I didn’t make it to say goodbye. They believe he was gone before I even got the call. Today I have relived every second of that day. I watched the clock and thought.. this is what I was doing that day at 11:37a and again at 2:21p. I cried a lot. I argued with my spouse. We’ve both said some choice words that generally would not be said.

My heart hurts. I miss my daddy, and if anything it sort of feels deeper than it did that day. Like, the permanence of it. I didn’t get to grieve the way I wish I could’ve because I was in survival mode, the funeral planning, taking care of my mom, picking songs we’d use to say goodbye. Being strong for my kids.

I just needed to get this out. Thanks for reading even a sliver of any of it.