how do i even speak at her 'funeral' without anger consuming me

my sweet grandma is finally at the end of her hospice. it has been such a long journey. I am 19 and i am so bitter and angry at my family and this situation.

My grandma helped my single mother raise me, shes a true matriarch and my grandfather is a patriarch. They have taken care of this family. I tallied it up and they have 16 grandchildren and 27 great-grandchildren between four kids.

I am her favorite, i wont sugarcoat it. But its not like she excluded others to have that golden grandkid sterotype we all know. NONE of us grandchilderen and decent bit of the great grand children did not have to go to daycare because granny was there. She spoiled all of us. But when my cousins hit puberty and whatnot they got cars and just left granny, we were all under her butt at one point i just never learned how to get out from under it, I have always consistently seen them.

But me and my grandma do have a different bond, I am unsure what my religious stance is but if souls could split in two that is us. She has always been my safe space and I believe at times i was a comfort for her. My granny first got sick in jan 2025, I graduated hs early to take care of her. I am currently taking online classes so i can aid her in hospice.

But don't let this fool you. My grandparents have loaned THOUSANDS to many family members. they are not rich by any means. They have given cars to multiple family members. help housed in times of need. always an open door.

ever since granny got sick i saw so many stupid ass posts about "anonomous prayers! God knows!" now i do lean into christianity for a faith but it's impossible to not feel repulsed witnessing your family try to get points online when she was sick yet never visit and never call. How about instead of posting on facebook as if you matter to the entire world you go visit the lady (WHO YOU LIVE LESS THAN 5 MINS FROM!!!!) who gave you thosands of dollars and never raised a fussed when you did not pay it back. I only know this because me and her are so close and she broke down a few times how the families selfishness weighed on her heavily.

Our family let my mother take the brunt of grandmas care for over year despite seeing her struggling. No one helped despite requests until it was absolutely needed. My momma has aged so much in this last year and the light in her eyes have dimmed- alongside mine.

I saw how her daughter-my aunt who isn't local be in town for mothers day yet not stop by. I saw how that daughter refused to come up and help us before the cancer diagnoses because "the church needed the pastors wife in sunday service or it would look bad" because i am SURE EVERYONE cares if the pastors wife is in attendance.

I am so angry. Grandma runs a strict program, she has only allotted us 'one day of grief' lol. She does not want a funeral, in honesty i get it. But her requests for me were to speak at the gravesite and also write her obiturary as she loves my writing. second one is easy peasy, but how the hell am i going to speak to this family who is nothing but a failure in my eyes spare a few.

I am so exhausted. I havent rested in over a year.