From the pace of my own heart

Is a phrase that I have thought of countless times since we last spoke. It’s funny because in a world where the pace does not feel like it follows my heart, where indecision and the stillness of weighing my options takes on meaningful consequences it is challenging to go at the pace of my own heart.

Over the last few weeks I have connected with all of the resources we have talked about and am now on the priority waitlist for housing. They have been emotionally taxing and tiring weeks and I have been grateful to do so in solitude, with occasional conversations with my two good female friends.

I am building what life looks like on the other side, my own home with my own kitchen. I would still like to visit yours, I know that the key to that could be waiting for me on the other side, that’s one of the reasons why I have struggled with following the pace of my own heart.

Guilt is what has kept me here, the guilt that if I left too early that I wouldn’t be doing the right thing for R and J. That’s why when I felt the abuse was only targeted towards me I was able to justify staying, they received it indirectly by growing up in that environment but I falsely reassured myself that it was okay.

I had a tower moment, a massive awakening, when he hit J and then justified it several times. I had another when you shifted away from communication: that paved the way for me to reach out to resources.

I know that I will soon have to take true irreversible action without being certain of the future. The time for indecision is long over. Do it scared, do it anyway. Because what could be on the other side of this is so much greater.