Dreams are great but reality of going there sucks heavily (vent but yeah support would be nice)

I’m fucking pissed. Always imagined my room would be messy - but that creative messy. Not filthy, clothes every where. Bullshit I don’t even like. I wanna just throw everything out. There’s barely any space.

I always had this daydream vision; The sun is poking out of the corners of my blinds. A ray of sunlight touches my face, with those specs of dust you see. I wake up - annoyingly so. But it’s because I’ve made it i’m rich. I make clothes. I’m in my T-Shirt and Boxers with that Vivienne westwood pearl necklace I always wanted.

Coats, Trousers, Jackets (yes redundant but I wanna say it i’m the one indulging in my dream of grandeur). I get up. I’ve already made it so I can just do whatever sew whatever.

Money, all I want. I don’t really wanna ever be famous or anything but you need a fanbase to have a successful brand.

Instead I’m sewing a hat and every step my brain tells me how fucking stupid I am that I have to rewatch parts of a youtube tutorial. That i’m not smart enough to understand constructing clothes - knowing each part. That something that in my head I can visualise as only needing a day - will probably take 3 days. I got so nauseous almost threw up (threw up in my mouth).

I feel energetic asf but not like happy energetic like irritated. Like I dont even want to go to sleep, I can’t I have to do something. I wish I was drunk but I said no today. Being sober has its perks.

I don’t want to have a personality as if I do idk, I want to be percieved by the clothes i make. I wish i never had to speak. Dk if it’s my adhd or narcissistic traits fucking me up rn but this is awful I wanna scream at someone and tell them how much I hate them and want them to just idk i’m just so mad