I miss being a child and I don’t know how I got here.

I’m laying in bed and just needed to air this out. I just turned 30 this year, I’m one of 4 siblings, although my parents divorced when I was quite young, my childhood was so happy.

I recently bought a house and moved in this October, I was beyond anxious to commit and do this, and I still live everyday a bit in fear, (mostly because I have total imposter syndrome about the whole thing) but the more I ruminate on it, the more I realize my fears are so deeply routed in letting go of things.

A lot of my sadness comes from wishing I was back in my childhood home with my family. Where I felt safe and taken care of, emotionally, physically and financially. I feel so alone now, like all my siblings grew up and life went on and I’m stuck here in what once was. Don’t get me wrong, we are still very much in contact, and see eachother frequently, but it’s like I haven’t emotionally adjusted to them being grown adults with other lives outside of the one I knew with them. I almost feel a little silly even thinking about it this often because I don’t think any of my siblings feel the same way.

I lay in bed missing the times when mom used to come tuck me in, or when one of my brothers would come running into my room to make sure I’m waking up for school. I miss coming home for lunch, and mom sending us to school with little thermos’s filled with alphaghetti. I miss going Christmas tree shopping and hiking through the parks with hot chocolate together,

Christmas mornings and the joy and magic I felt as a kid running down the stairs, eating breakfast as a family. The giggles and laughter of my siblings down the hall as we yelled goodnight to each other over and over till my mom got annoyed.

I miss highschool, even though it was a slight nightmare lol, my friends and I had the best time, now I barely talk to any of them. But I’ll never forget all of our drunken nights and hilarious memories.

I have a partner, and we are in a lovely relationship and live together, but I feel lonely.

I can’t help but yearn for these days that don’t exist anymore, I’m watching my parents grow older and older, I’m watching life move at warped speed and I don’t even remember how I got here.

Sorry for the late night post. Just needed to write and get the tears off my chest tonight.