my older sister is still here but not really here.

I’m not sure if this is the right subreddit to post on, so I’m sorry if it’s not.

I wish that my older sister wasn’t emotionally unavailable. I wish that I could turn to her when I need her the most. I wish that she would pick up the call whenever I would ring her, but she doesn’t want to connect with me emotionally.

It makes me feel so small and that I don’t matter. If I were gone, she’d maybe start to notice how she wasn’t really there for me emotionally.

Whenever I vent to her I immediately regret it because she stays completely silent and just scrolls her phone. I don’t even know why I still try. I guess I’m still chasing that dream of her finally caring for my emotions, but I guess it’s not happening in this lifetime.

I am going through a lot emotionally because of my health issues, and she is aware of it, but she doesn’t seem to really care. My feelings don’t really matter to her and I already know that. I feel so stupid for still opening up to her.

My parents were this way growing up, but they’re trying to connect with me emotionally now and it’s really awkward so I don’t tell them anything. It’s very rare of me to share my emotions to anyone, but if I do, it’s to my sister.

Every time I vent to her, I’m met with silence. She just glances at me once and then scrolls on her phone. She seems almost annoyed and irritated whenever I’m about to cry. She’s so privileged compared to me because she doesn’t have to go through what I go through on the daily. And she probably knows that.

I’m glad that it didn’t have to be her and that I had to be the one. I still do wish deep down that my feelings mattered to her. I still fantasize about how she’d react during my funeral if I ever did it. I don’t have intentions of doing it but you know…