My life is objectively fine, but I can never be at peace

I always feel so anxious and scared that something will happen again. There’s days where I get to such a low point that I consider relapsing. But I have a mostly loving family, food and shelter. A good paying job, attending college. So why can’t I shake the feeling that I’m one step away from being in the psych ward again. I have abandonment issues, scared to make friends after having my old ones ripped away by my parents in an attempt to ‘help’ me. I had to get a GED at 16 because I wasn’t ‘safe’ to attend highschool again. No partners, not one, guys won’t bat an eye in my direction. I’m weird, gross, fat and ugly. I act childish, I can never focus. Why am I complaining when compared to others I have it so good? Why do I get the urge to ruin it?