Mixed up. Messed up. Just....up.

Drinking again tonight. I guess to be fair to me its been a few days. He's back finally. My husband. Since Monday. And I haven't been able to have sex with him. Or talk to him about what happened at my birthday. He's just worried about his dad which I am not even a little upset about. And I wish I could just be there for him and support him.

But I feel like such a loser. I am SO horny and all I want is for him to take me and remind me why I love him. And in my head all there is over and over and over and over is what his friends did to me. Or with me? Or us all together. I don't know.

He's asleep and I'm "working" in my office downstairs. Again. I hate this feeling. But not them. Why don't I hate them?