To happiness & stability

Lots of things have changed since you cut ties and wished me my best life. Different women, i take vacations every so often. Im sorry i lied. From the very beginning. I wanted so bad for you to like me, i spun up a web trying to coerce your affections. From my brother being a jailbird, to me being a goalie in a little-league soccer team when i was younger. I try a lot harder to be as honest as i can nowadays. It throws a lot of people off, makes them angry, and resent me. However it allows me to recede, and be somewhat at peace with my loneliness i created.

I remember our first date, at Jacky’s. With your nails, fake eyelashes and the scooby doo sweater. The perfume you wore, and i know that i ruined this. Some days i still cant believe the things i did, out of spite, anger and just sheer stupidity. I dont want your pity, forgiveness. Any of that. I see youre happy, engaged even. Although i wish it was our second try, i know youre smart enough to learn to never go after somebody like me again. I know that he makes you happy or you wouldnt have said yes. I remember your passion to go into the military. The half anxious, half happy that you found out you were pregnant. And that i was staying. God it wrecks me when i think of the miscarriage. Still, to this day. I still have my keychain charm, daddy of an angel. Tucked, ,hidden away so i dont drown in melancholy. I am a horrible man, i was toxic. Jealous, always trying to keep you away from your friends so they wouldnt remind you of how much of a loser i was. Never taking you anywhere and always blaming my problems on you. And when we both gave up arguing i put my hands on you. I will regret ever knowing you for the rest of my life as short lived as it was. I will regret not growing and knowing what i had with you. I will regret ever tetting physical. I will regret ever cheating, especially when it got too disgusting.

Youd probably be thrilled to hear that i had a girlfriend since who did the same. Cheating i mean. Also that ive refused any sort of romantical relationship as i dont feel like i did with you. It just isnt the same. And it never will be. Most days ithink i should end it all, drive off a bridge. Jump in the river, or anything to harm myself. Im just not good at this, and im tired. The one thing that keeps me awake, and pushing forwards is you. Every time i close my eyes i see your face. In ttears. Asking why, and how i could do this to someone i loved. I sedate myself to go to sleep.