parent in denial; need encouragement, trying to be independent from unhealthy atmosphere

I believe my father has a mood/mental disorder and has been in denial his whole life. My siblings and I grew up walking on eggshells. I remember dreading the moment he came home. If he was in a bad mood from whatever happened at work, we could trust it would likely be taken out on us or my mom.

On a day like that if he even overheard (basic sibling bickering) or something he wouldn't like, he would beat us with the belt or yell and threaten to hit us with it. And even if you wasn't the one to do anything wrong, he'd line us up to see the others get hit with the belt. I'm shaking just writing this. I just don't see what three little girls under the age of 10 could have done to be treated that way. Or how an adult could be so cold-hearted to treat his little girls like that. Showing any negative emotion like crying or being sad because of how school was or just anything really would set him off and he'd get angry at us for being upset.

There were moments when my mom would threaten to leave during their fights, especially after he cheated, my sister would give me headphones while they would have it out, and I remember feeling disappointed when our bags were packed in the bag ready to leave and she never did. My grandma says he's always been like that, but I know her behavior is similar. His moods continue to be unpredictable. I avoid talking to him because I'm afraid I'll set him off. He hates this, but it's just hard when he does this, acts relatively normal briefly, and then starts up again. I'm always anxious around him, always.

Some months ago he got some medication for depression and he became almost bearable, but this past month he's been off them. I overheard him tell the nurse (home-visit) that he stopped taking them because he's better now. (He's not) Recently my mother and younger sister tried reasoning with him as he acted out, but he just started yelling as usual, telling them over and over again to shut up and that they're the crazy ones. I can't even describe what his voice does to my nervous system. I was in the next room but I couldn't stop shaking.

I'm (25F) living at home right now trying to work through some debt and my mom has been pretty kind and generous about my still being here, she doesn't want me to leave her alone with him. I started saving though and am looking for new places to move. This isn't the life I want for me and my sister anymore. I'm exhausted and my sister and I deserve more. I want to be in my house without my body tensing for danger.

Sometimes I wonder what a good father and daughter relationship must be like. I see others and I'm just in awe of how some friends of mine are treated by their dad. Anyway sorry. I know this isn't much compared to what others go through on here, and honestly I never post, but I had to get it off my chest.