Why do I feel like I need to do it?

I’ve been very conflicted with self harm for a few years now.

I first tried it in 2021. I was very frustrated with myself, and thought it would be a good way to relieve stress, but I stopped after the first cut, it hurt too bad.

From then I would try other ways, mostly hitting myself, but I wasn’t able to hide the act as easily, so it wasn’t a good outlet.

I’ve recently been cutting, found the safest way to do it, but I realize, it makes me very fearful.

For about a year now I’ve had fantasies of cutting long strips of my body and bleeding out when I’m frustrated. But when I actually sit down with the resources, I just feel really scared. When I do it doesn’t hurt, and I feel better, but I just get such an awful anxiety about it. I’ll sit and stare at my skin and shake. I don’t understand why, because it’s what I want, and I know it’s not that bad, but it makes me nauseous. I don’t want to stop, I just want to get over this feeling.