Pata hai aaj kya hua?

First of all sorry! I don't know where to ask this. Pata hai aaj kya hua Forty five days ago, I told the girl I love how I truly feel. She has been part of my life since first grade. We grew up together in the same school, but in the last five or six years we became extremely close. She is not just someone I know from childhood. She is the person who understands me in a way no one else ever has. She is an introvert like me. Many things between us were always unspoken. I later found out that she had a boyfriend two years ago, but she never told me or anyone else about it, not even her closest girl friends. Since she never mentioned it, I never asked about it either. About two years ago, I realized that my feelings for her were no longer just friendship. So A year ago, I tried to tell her once, but only indirectly. I did not say everything clearly. At that time she told me she does not feel that way about me. She said I am very precious to her, more than a best friend. Also i asked her if she like someone else and she said 'at present i don't have any feelings for anyone, but i don't know about future'. And She said something that stayed with me for a long time. She said, “And so whatever happens, however many people come into my life, you are not my first priority. You are my only priority.” Those words meant a lot to me, and they became part of the hope I carried inside. I tried to accept that and thought maybe my feelings would fade with time. But they did not fade. Slowly they became stronger. She was the only person who truly understood me. We were like alter egos. We shared the same thoughts, the same dislikes, the same humor, the same way of looking at things. It felt rare, like a connection that does not happen easily. There were moments when I felt she gave me mixed signals. Sometimes the way she reacted made me feel like I was very special to her. Other times it felt like she only saw me as a friend. Those moments kept my hope alive. For the last seven months, I had been writing my feelings privately. Everything I felt about her, everything I wanted to say but never said. Forty five days ago, I finally gathered the courage to send it to her. But even then I did not send everything. I had much more to say, but I held myself back because I did not want to overwhelm her. I sent only half of what was in my heart. When she read it, she was shocked. She appreciated it deeply. She said no one had ever written so much for her. She said no one could ever do what I did. She said it felt like a poet writing poetry. She said I deserve the bestest. She said " how you survive with all this, Whatever happened is not good at all."

But after that she told me something very difficult to accept. She said she wished she could feel the same way, but she cannot. She said the lines I wrote were beautiful, but she felt guilty because they were written for the wrong person. She said if I ever loved someone, that girl would be the luckiest girl in the world. She acknowledged that I made so many efforts for her and that no one else could do what I did. But she also said the problem is that she never saw me in that way. She never felt for me the way I feel for her. Then she said something else that hurt deeply. She said if I continue talking to her, it would be wrong for me, and if she continues talking to me, it would be wrong for her. Because of that, I asked her to block me. I knew I would not be able to stop myself from writing to her. And she did block me. Now it has been forty five days since that moment. But even now, I still write messages in that blocked chat. I write how I feel. I write what she meant to me. I write the things I forgot to say the first time. I write as if she might read them someday. Every day feels very long now. Sometimes it feels like a single day is as heavy as an entire year. My birthday is coming soon. And even though I know everything she said, a small part of me still hopes that she might message me that day. I check my phone often with the thought that maybe her message could appear at any moment. Other friends talk to me and message me, but it feels different. I reply, but I do not feel the same interest in those conversations. And there is another thought that keeps coming back to me. I have always believed that if we truly love someone and truly care about them, we should do everything possible to keep that person in our life. Sometimes I wonder if maybe she is not rejecting love itself, but maybe she is scared of it. Maybe her past relationship hurt her. Maybe it broke her trust in love. Maybe she built walls around herself because she does not want to be hurt again. Part of me feels that maybe if she wanted to love but was scared, I could help her feel safe again. Maybe I could show her that love does not always end in pain. I know that messaging her again might not be the right thing to do. But sometimes love does not think in terms of right and wrong. People often say that everything is fair in love and war. So now I find myself standing between two thoughts. One part of me understands what she said and respects her decision. The other part of me still hopes that maybe there is something deeper behind her fear, and maybe someday she might see me differently. Right now I am just waiting, living day by day, hoping that maybe on my birthday a message from her might appear on my phone.