I cry at night thinking about her

It’s been 4 years since we started talking.

I knew this girl from university years ago and we stopped talking for a while. One day I liked her Instagram story and we started talking again and eventually met up. In the beginning the feelings were strong and we started seeing each other quite often. She would come to see me at work.

We saw each other quite a lot and she was actually the one initiating things like holding hands and kissing. I was pretty inexperienced back then and never really made things official, which I think eventually caused the situation to fade out. Over time the dynamic became very on and off. Sometimes she would ghost, then we’d start talking again.

We met up a few more times after that and I told her I wanted to build something with her. She said she wanted to know I was serious. She told me to show consistency and message her every day for a certain number of days.

So I did. I started messaging her regularly, good morning texts, checking how she was doing, normal conversation. But during that time her replies were so dry and boring. It felt like the more effort I put in, the less interested she became. After about ten days I asked to meet again and she said she was busy. I got frustrated and blocked her.

A year goes by and I request her. She messages me asking why I had blocked her and disappeared, and if I had gotten a girlfriend. We started talking again. I told her I want to make it serious and she always says things like, “You need to show me you’re serious,” or “You don’t even text me.”

Interestingly even back then when we were seeing each other regularly and she was coming to see me, her replies were still pretty dry. Most of the time she would only message to ask if I was free so she could come see me.

I understand that texting is mainly for arranging meetups anyway. But what confuses me is this: how are you telling me that I need to message more and show more effort, when you’re not really reciprocating that energy yourself?

It feels like we could have been dating this whole time, but instead it’s always the same line: “You’re not serious yet. You need to show me.”

And I’m left thinking, how can we talk for this long and still just be friends?

The truth is I think about her a lot. I think about the things I’d want to do with her and the life I’d want to build. Hmm what flowers would she like? Or should I buy her this or that? But then I look at the energy she gives me, the lack of effort. She never really messages first or checks in.

So I feel conflicted. Part of me thinks, she’s“just a girl” maybe I’m supposed to chase a bit. But another part of me thinks that if you genuinely care about someone, wouldn’t you naturally check on them sometimes?

At the same time, I try to be fair to her situation. She works full time now and has health issues. I know the last thing she wants when she’s coming out of hospital is someone asking emotional questions like “Do you love me?” That would probably irritate me too.

Fast forward to today we talk on Snapchat and keep streaks going, but I know the snaps she sends me aren’t exclusive to me. She’s sending the same snap to ten other people.

It got to the point where I started tying my self-worth to her actions. If she saves my snap in the chat, I feel good. If she doesn’t, I feel like I’m not good enough. And I know that’s not healthy.

This week she was near my work and asked if I was free at work so she could come see me, which just adds to the confusion. On one hand she seems uninterested, but on the other hand she still reaches out (rarely but still).

So now I’m considering just sitting down with her in person and having a proper last conversation. Not a date or getting food or activity where we can’t talk. Just being direct about everything the messaging, the confusion, and where this is actually going.

I know a lot of this is my fault but I want to stop emotionally investing in this because mentally this is ruining me. I need some closure or something. Not really sure what I’m looking for anymore.