I am an educated person, however I can’t regulate myself emotionally around narcissists

I’m 30F. I have a BSc and a MSc. Oldest of 3 others, 2 brothers and 1 sister in that order. Grew up in an Arab household, both parents being immigrants - we are Muslim, but it was more like “do as I say, not do as I do” kind of household. So religion only applied in certain circumstances. We weren’t strict though, like I didn’t have to wear a hijab. I also hid the fact that I had an Asian, non-Muslim boyfriend from them. I ended up marrying him, which was the best decision of my life. I had to deal with a lot of scrutiny though, even from my own brother.

Dad, who was a roided up bodybuilder and cop at one point in his life, was 30 when he married my mom at 17 (yes this happened in the US). Mom had me at 18. Dad eventually rose through the ranks, owned his own business, etc etc so he was making $$. We moved from house to house and eventually ended up in a house built by him, it was like a mansion.

My parents separated when I was 19, divorced officially at 21. It was freaking ugly. My dad abused my mom and all hell broke loose. My dad has had a white woman on the side for 30 years, who is now my step mom. She helped him do all his paperwork, like his assistant. It was the worst time of my life. A childish mother who treated me like I was her own mother, and a father so deep into his narcissistic and egotistic reality that he was blaming me for their divorce… All while I was trying to get my degree. Nobody actually cared, even my mother who left us to go back to her home country to get married to her cousin after the divorce. Who, by the way, was also cheating on her which made her move back to the states and stay with me (I was away from my father and 3 siblings at this point, living with my husband). Even after I helped her get back on her feet while working and trying to get my Masters, she eventually deemed me evil and left to meet some guy in another state. I’ve cut her off since her 2nd abandonment of me. My siblings don’t even know her anymore.

Anyways, years pass by, and I have been in contact with my dad and siblings still. Vacations, helped them out with various personal costs, pretty much anything you can think of. Though, I have missed living near my siblings. They have missed me very much, especially my little sister who is now in college herself. My retired dad has been doing better, or so I thought. I’m in between jobs, needed to move to a LCOL area, and thought it would be a good idea to finally move back home - my father went through a surgery that opened his eyes up and maybe we are all grown now so that we don’t have to fight and we can forget the past.

One of my brothers, who was born premature, has been deemed autistic previously by school therapists but was shut down by my father, and also beat heavily by my father, is also moving back home coincidentally, due to him breaking up with his fiancé. Oh and he’s turned super religious now, after years of gambling, drinking, everything. I say coincidentally because I have always felt this competition-type of feeling coming from him, he is always comparing me and him. Even after I helped him regulate himself, staying up until 4am CONSTANTLY on the phone because he had no one else to talk to about his issues and the stuff he went through with his ex. I know way too much at this point. Anyways, I brushed it off and have let go of everything, including him touching my feet when we were kids…

We are all here now, and we’ve had a few arguments already that end up getting very loud. It’s been hard to emotionally regulate myself when I’m being attacked for not doing enough, like “not handling my brother better” just because we had a discussion about vet costs for my sister’s cat. My brother, who is only a year younger than me mind you, told my dad about this and other things I would think he would keep between us. Like what?

It left me in shock because I didn’t know this bothered my brother - he didn’t mention it after that day. We resolved it right then and there and left it. This made me go off into a rambling deep end with my dad, trying to explain my side of what happened and eventually crying because of how much I’m trying. My dad, afterwards, threatened once again to disappear so no one can see him again because he wants peace in his life now…

This seems like a small situation to exaggerate on, but it just happened. And it’s on top of everything else that I’ve had to deal with in my life, especially relating to them.

I’m sick and tired of being gaslit. I’m sick and tired of being shut down. Not being heard from my side. Feeling like I’m never good enough. Being poked at constantly because it’s easy for them to do. Being messed around with just for the hell of it. Not being able to trust even my own brother or my own dad. I help out, for what? What do I get in return? My brother trying to cause a commotion with my dad and me, who already have a fragile and strained relationship? Just to help him deflect from his current situation with his ex fiance? To maybe get closer with my younger sister, because he’s been jealous of our relationship this whole time? How much longer do I have to endure this hell with everyone? I didn’t expect my brother to come back, and now he’s back, and I’m not happy about it anymore. I was happy because we all grew up so close and made promises to each other. I feel like I dragged myself back to the depths of hell by moving back. This abusive, vicious circle. And now with my brother, it has been amplified. It’s not like my brother and dad’s relationship is perfect either. My brother was bailed out of jail by my dad because my mom put him there, he also got a STD… ugh.

It makes me want to leave the country and just become someone else, someone better than all of them. I have no one else here except my patient husband and my amazing sister and other brother… my mother is a hollow version of herself who will only spit vulgar words at me, and my extended family (dad’s side) don’t even talk with each other. Everything here, moving back home, has reminded me of the aches and pains, but also reminiscing the good times that will never come back. It feels so dead and cold now.

I cried a lot today thinking if I left, how hurt I would be and how much I would hurt my other siblings, the ones who do matter to me. I’m so lost, I feel like I’m a loser low life because I can’t regulate myself towards these asshats and focus on living a good life so I can be there for my husband and 2 siblings.