I don't know what to do anymore

I don't know what to do anymore

F16 I'm so miserable and lonely, I doubt I'll ever make it past eighteen. I can't help but feel like trash everytime I wake up. I'm still grieving for my dead father, and I can't move on even when it's been a year.

I can't imagine how disappointed he would be if he also saw how I've been acting at school. Low grades, cutting classes, skipping school, tons of missing assignments and other important stuff (yes, I've mentioned this in a past post). I can't get anything done. I'm a disappointment, and I hate myself for being such a coward. I can't even kill myself... Well, I tried, but my mom caught me trying to OD last Friday. Though, even after she saw me at my worst moments, she still refuses to get me any help or support. I've talked to her yesterday about maybe getting me into therapy—she said no, and that therapy was expensive. It made me feel so guilty. we're already struggling with financial issues, and she's stuck with a useless disappointment of a daughter like me who sucks the joy and money out of her life.

The way I cope with my loneliness isn't any better. I've been cutting a lot lately (I stopped 2 days ago) because of relapsing due to stress. My classmates probably despises me as well, and sees me as a loner since I always sit alone at school with no friends. I can't find any safe space anymore. I'm lonely both in school AND in my own home.

I once tried opening up to a friend—but he ended up calling me weirdo and told me to send him pictures of my cuts. I can't trust anyone anymore.

I've tried talking to my school counselor, but fuck, it's not getting any better. The words were comforting, yes, but it's not making me improve as a person anyways, so what's the point?

Recently, my posts have just been me venting, and it's helping me a bit to calm myself down.