Lookimg back at it all

I've been making progress day by day. There was a major incident around 8 years ago, I was raped in my workplace. Recently, I've made progress and have healed a little more. But as I reflect on that incident in my life, I dig a little deeper as to what led to the events of that day, and I'm sad because I realized how fucked up things were. How I was groomed into more passive behaviour when I was younger.

I was actually first assaulted by my older sister. As someone who is bisexual, this fucked with my head more than anything. I still have a scar on my inner leg from when she forced my legs apart. What makes it worse is that these days she's coming out as trans, and is using that as a justification for her actions. Basically, I brought it up once, and she said gender dysphoria fucked her up and made her do it, but she's okay now so I should just let it go. It's like the worst caricature of being trans. For the record, I don't hate trans people. I hate my sister because she abused me. She doesn't get a get out of jail free card because she says she's a man now. And until she acknowledges the harm and actually attempts to apologize, I ain't respecting her pronouns. She stripped me of my dignity, it's the only petty thing I have left. That said, no transphobia in the comments please. This is not an invitation for that.

I also haven't been able to tell my parents about what she's done, so they don't understand why I refuse to talk to her. I can't tell them. It's too much. So I vent here, so I can have a voice. ​​​​​​

​​​I chose to cope with the abuse in the most unhealthy way. By the time I was a teenager, my parents had separated, my other sister and role model had moved far away, and I was just this little ball of anger and resentment. And I was also going through puberty. So, I did what any unsupervised, angry sexually abused teen does and went to the internet for validation. Anyone remember the site Gaia online, back when it was Go Gaia? And in particular, anyone remember the building with the heart on it in Barton Town? I remember it was usable for about a week. It was meant to ​​​be a friend exchange, maybe a dating board. Instead, older men were openly seeking out young girls to have cybersex with. And I fit the bill perfectly.

I let these strange men tell me all the nasty things they wanted to do to me. Thank the Lord we were too broke for a webcam​​​, because I would have been dumb enough to strip on camera for the validation. They knew I was underage. They didn't care. And neither did I. I know now that it was sexual grooming. But at that time, I just wanted to feel special, because I felt so empty.

By high school, sexting wasn't enough and I started to meet some strangers from online. I'll spare you the details, but seriously, I'm lucky to be alive and in one piece.

So I look back now, to that day 8 years ago. As most victims do, I wonder what I could have done differently. And I realize that I had been conditioned to this long ago. I hate what happened to me, but if there was any silver lining, having an incident that was a cut and dry case of rape gave​​​​​​​​ me the jump-start I needed to heal from the tragedy in my life.

Healing is possible. It's long, it's ugly, and there will always be a scar, but time really can heal, as long as you're willing to work for it. Thank you for time, if you've read this far.​​​​​

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