I've been having thoughts lately...

I know it sounds pathetic, especially at my age (34), but I'm not handling heartbreak well...

I fell in love a few years ago, but it was kind of one-sided. We'd flirt back and forth, but when I'd suggest dating, I'd get told she wasn't ready, she wanted to take things slow and just be friends a while... I respected her decision, didn't mention it again. It took about a year and half before she ended up being the one to tell me she wanted the relationship. Man, I was head over heels for her. Coming home to her was the highlight of my day. But then, out of nowhere, her attitude just suddenly changed. I tried to work through it for months, but I was the only one. One day, I got home from work and she just wasn't there. Didn't hear from her again for about 4 months. She needed something, something simple. She messaged me on social media. Saw that basically immediately after we broke up, she had got together with someone else.

Like, fuck, man... I had one good thing for the first time in 15 years and it was all bullshit. Just wasted time, money, and effort. On a delusion.

I try to keep my mind off of it, but every night when I lay in bed, all I can think about is going down the street to the gun store and just getting it over with. What's there to live for? Family members are either all dead or estranged, don't have any close friends, don't have anything in my life of value. The fuck am I just sitting here suffering for?

I haven't done anything yet. I don't have like date I plan to do something. I've just been thinking about it a lot.