My mom is sick

She has carotid FMD (fibromuscular dysplasia) a small brain and spine tumor, she has cysts all over her uterus, her uterus is massively enlarged and pushing against her kidneys which will eventually cause her to lose kidney function over time and she might have thyroid cancer (which her dr assured is an easy fix if that is the case.) because her uterus is so enlarged, they plan to remove it to prevent further damage to her kidneys. Her dr told her that she should always have someone nearby when she showers just in case something happens.

Her FMD makes everything very tricky. She can’t have her neck a certain way or it could possibly lead to a fatal outcome. Her upcoming surgery makes me so terrified. Something can go wrong very quick just from her neck being moved the wrong way. I keep telling myself everything will be fine, it’ll go as planned and not to worry but what if that’s not the case? What if there’s surgery complications? What if they aren’t careful enough with her neck?

Even outside of the surgery I’m terrified. I’m terrified when I don’t see her up before me. Im terrified that she slept wrong. I’m terrified of telling each other “I love you” for the last time without knowing it. Not only is she my mom but she’s also my best friend. I already know that someday I’ll have to live without her but I don’t want it to be anytime soon. She’s only 50.

I don’t have anyone to talk about this. I mean yeah I have siblings but it’s their mom too. It’s already a very touchy subject for them as well. I’m the one who goes to Drs appointments with her and goes over every new diagnosis and then I let my siblings know. It’s so hard whenever I hear something new. Im scared, I’m anxious, I’m losing sleep, I feel dread whenever it’s time for her to go to the Drs. I’ll always be there for her, I’ll always take notes and make sure I know about all the medication she’s taking. But it’s so hard. I normally keep this to myself but it just feels extra heavy tonight. I just want her to be okay.