mutual break up

my boyfriend and i mutually broke up last night.

we had a lot of ups and downs. he broke up with me at the start of february, we got back together a day after because he “regret” it and then he cheated on me a week after. still tried making it work after that but i felt the resentment was too much and i just didn’t envision a future with him anymore. we both really wanted to keep dating, but knew it was better to separate because things were beyond fixing and i hated him for what he did.

i wanted to grow together as people. but a small part of me doesn’t want to see him do well for what he did to me. when we agreed to mutually break up last night we talked for a couple minutes after over the phone and asked each other how we felt. he said he was sad. i said i felt relieved. i could tell that made him even more sad but i didn’t really care then because i thought it’s just the consequences of his own actions. our relationship wasn’t terrible, truly. it was just rocky since the start of the year.

today i feel empty

i feel sad and i wonder if he will realize that his life is better without me. even though i know mine is. even though it hurts so much, i can confidently say i am relieved. but i am also confused. i keep envisioning a future where we reach out to each other and hit it off immediately again (we agreed to stay no contact for 10 months.) the thought of finding a new partner scares me.

how can you love someone who hurt you so much?