TIFU by telling my partner he can sleep with other people as long as I don’t find out

Title basically. I am an idiot. Here is my tale:

I met my partner John about 10 years ago, and 3 years ago we got married. He is the total package: sweet, caring, smart, funny, just everything I never dared to dream about a guy.

We have had our ups and downs over the years but are basically a very beloved pair amongst our peers and families. Hosting parties and dinners. All kinds of trips. Cool jobs and beautiful photos. Picture perfect.

But behind close doors we have been struggling with a dead bedroom. The past couple years have been rough for so many reasons. His dad passed unexpectedly, then the pandemic and a lot of financial turmoils took a toll on us both.

We simply slowly but surely stopped having sex, but had a truly good partnership outside of that. I guess I thought he was just depressed, and once he got out of the funk we could resume our marital duties.

I pushed really REALLY hard for him to go to therapy, and after years of insistance and an ultimatum he finally did.

It worked wonders! He loves it, feels more energy, is eating better and wants me to come along for the ride.

I thought surely now would be the time where things reignite right? Right?

Wrong.

He tells me that he now feels free to tell me we have let ourselves go and that he wants us both to change so he may feel attracted to me again. Admittedly after 10 years my body has changed (as has his) but I never even remotely imagined he didnt find me attractive at all and that being the main reason for our dead bedroom. Not only that, but he admitted to feeling that way for YEARS and not wanting to tell me to SPARE MY FEELINGS. MotherFUCKER.

In a panic, I started blurting out solutions. I caught myself saying “do you want to sleep with other people?” And him going kinda quiet and saying that he loves me and could never. I then start INSISTING because i am so scared to lose him.

I say that I am not jealous (which in all honesty I am not?) and that as long as we have a “dont ask dont tell” he can fuck around since he isnt interested in me that way.

He said he would do it only if I did as well but quite frankly I got married and was happy to be done with all that crap. I am only interested in sleeping with the man I married.

I haven’t stopped crying and he has apologized but not taken back anything he said. I can’t fault him because we both want sex to be a part of our lives, and his approach however awkward came from a place of love.

But today I realized he started following a girl he had a crush on right before we met and also started a new online dating profile, before us officially deciding we would try an open thing for real.

I feel beyond humiliated and mortified. I fear that someone we know will find his profile and ask me if he is cheating on me. It makes me want to touch him even less because now I wont know where he has been and with whom.

I guess I never thought Id be the kind of woman whose husband sleeps around on.

But I was the one who even brought it up so now feel like I opened a can of worms I will never get back.

TL/DR

Partner and I had dead bedroom, he told me he wants me to look better so he feels like having sex with me and I suggestes he sleeps with other people in an attempt to save my marriage. I immensely regret making that suggestion as he is now going full throttle on it.