first bf raped me while blackout drunk n never brought it up again😆

I was with him for four years, from 17 to 21. He was my first everything, and I broke up with him in November.

Last Valentine’s Day, I cried because for two years straight he got me nothing, when all I wanted was something small like flowers or chocolate. When I told him it hurt me, he said I never listen or accept him for who he is, and that he didn’t get why I stayed with him if it mattered so much. Somehow I ended up apologizing, calling myself stupid and emotional and even blaming it on PMS, and he ignored those texts. I think moments like that taught me not to speak up.

He had a lot of trauma and only really opened up to me. I cared about him so deeply and always wanted him to feel loved, even when he would shut down.

In July, he got blackout drunk and forced himself on me while I was sober and trying to sleep. I told him no and tried pushing him. I even put my underwear back on, and he took them off again. The next morning he said he didn’t remember, apologized, and told me I should break up with him. Instead, I felt like I had to comfort him and act okay so we could move on, and after that he never brought it up again. I pushed it down and tried to forget.

A few months later, it all came rushing back and I had to leave. I moved out of our house with our friends. Even when I told him why I was breaking up with him, he treated it like a normal breakup. The next day he called me saying I was the girl of his dreams and that he wanted to marry me, while also acting confused to our roommates and sending them sad breakup reels.

When my roommate eventually asked what happened, I told them. After he found out they knew, he told them we had a CNC (consensual non-consensual)dynamic and acted like he didn’t understand why this was different, even though he knew exactly why it was different.

I even offered to help pay rent after moving out because I didn’t want him stuck with my part, and later heard from friends that he said he was covering it to “take accountability,” but he never said that to me. He just told me he “figured something out with the roommates” and blocked me on everything.

It’s been four months, and I’m in therapy and journaling, but this is still so hard. Just venting