Anybody have no clear/direct abuser. I need justice but don't know who to blame.

My trauma is very negligent based. I was missionary for my church. With the situation I was in it was very much you measure up or are a failure to God. I was overwhelmed, got sick, was told to be faithful instead of getting medical care. I became OCD and scrupulous and overwhelmed and later sent home. I spent years blaming myself, years of recover later I was then angry at my leaders for not caring more about me, with even more healing I realized they were just doing their jobs or roles within system. In the end I'm just mad at the systems that created the situation I was in. There are so many layers of disconnect between the head of my church and the program I was in I can't blame them at least directly. Everybody else had no problem measuring up except me. I blame God often but he feels a lot more like bystander than the cause. It just frustrates me to feel like I have no one to point to and say you did this to me. Its even harder with religious trauma where the system is never at fault. Even hard if you try to remain faithful to your beliefs even if you can't trust your church the same way. I just have this need for justice that I can never satisfy because I can't blame any one person.