people always dislike me once they get to know me

This is mortifying, but recently I have been told that I am a terrible listener. Multiple people I considered friends have recently told me they feel our conversations are unbalanced and reading back my texts to them, I agree. I don’t really respond to their texts and I go off on long tangents about what’s happening in my own life instead. It’s like I can’t stop talking about myself. This doesn’t happen as badly in person. I’d say I listen more than I talk in real life interactions, but maybe my perspective is just biased since I don’t have a record of my conversations. People also seem to like me based on first impressions (I mask decently well) until they request my Instagram/phone number and start initiating long convos with me or telling me about their lives. For this reason I am reluctant to stay in touch with people. This means throughout my life, I have had a lot of acquaintances who think i'm nice but nothing more, and a few close friends that I end up oversharing to and eventually driving away. I have no real friends. I think I am unlikeable and overwhelming.

For some reason I vent about mundane things over text and say these awkward, unfunny, self-indulgent things. I also often make jokes that no one understands. It’s so embarrassing and it has been one of those days where I realise that my perception of myself is so off. I assumed people were interested in hearing my thoughts but all along they thought I was annoying and insufferable. And they think I love the sound of my own voice.

Maybe I am a bad person. For me, being neurodivergent has meant that I cannot ever trust the way I perceive myself. Even when i think I am coming across as friendly and normal, i hear through the grapevine that I am being called a bitch or arrogant or a show off. It has broken my self-esteem.

I am making a more conscious effort to only respond to what others say and not say anything about myself. I guess I have been depressed and ruminate a lot on my own thoughts so even when it’s not appropriate I insert it into conversations that should be lighthearted or casual. It’s like a panic driven response and it’s embarrassing.

To be completely honest, I also often don’t know how to respond to people. If they are going through something hard I want to be there for them, but I can’t really relate so I end up sounding robotic or out of touch. For this reason I don’t really feel like I want to respond to them.

Throughout my life I have been accused of being manipulative and using people to get what I want and forgetting about them when I don’t need anything. I don't want that to be true but so many people have said it, so maybe it is. I really feel things in my body but my face doesn't reflect it and sometimes I can't find the right words.

I hate the idea of NEEDING someone to talk to but it seems I end up putting my problems on the people I’m close to anyway. I just want to crawl into my room and never come out again. I never want to open my mouth again. sorry that this turned into a vent, it's like that's the only way I can communicate these days.