Bitchy brother (25M) - please help, I’m (23F) sorry for the long post…

Every time this has been the cycle for all my life. When I’m away from the family to attend uni with bro he’s very nice and mature. Everyone who knows him are jealous and amazed that I have such a smart, intelligent, mature, soft, patient brother who every time he cooks he asks me if I want some and just is very good person in general, down to earth.

But when we get back together in our home during break he’s the good guy at first and after awhile he changes and when he’s not feeling good or things annoy him it seems like every little thing I do seem to annoy him and irritate him. Then he get soo sooo petty and legit child like about such little things. When he’s in that mode he’s such a child who makes me so scared. He can get so aggressive with everything like making big noises.

Just in the morning today he’d stomp and throw stuff hard when he could just move in a graceful manner. Such noises and movement scare me because he used to hit me a lot when we were little. Every time we fought when mom and dad is away he’d hit me and I’d cry and runaway and lock myself but most of the times they really hurt and the most he’s done was punch me in the abdomen where I literally couldn’t breathe for ten seconds.

It was like this my whole child hood but he’s changed in the last three years. In high school he stopped hitting me completely and in college and in the last years he is a completely changed person that I get so confused sometimes, like the memories and resentment I had for him, the nights I wished he’d get killed by a devil, and him right now that everyone loves, I can’t match it well.

So having had the experience of being hit by him makes me scared now even though I know he will not lay hands on me. Right now we’re not in a good mood because of such petty stuff. Like I don’t know why but he woke up in the morning in a not good mood and was very bitchy to me so I was bitchy to him back and now he hates me, like he doesn’t reply to me or his words are very pointy and they hurt. And because I’m scared of him all I can do is just soak everything in and not make a big fuss in fear of him getting more mad. And although I know he’s not going to lay hands on me I’m still conditioned to be afraid of his every movement when he’s in this child like mode because I know how much power he has and how much he can hurt and I know I will never, ever, ever win him in any kind of physical fight.

Dad also had anger problems since we were little but he’s much much better, he doesn’t shout or get angry all of a sudden now. But bro is still not able to act mature when things don’t work his way or to keep his anger in when he doesn’t feel right. I also don’t know how to, but I what I do is distance myself and go to a cafe or take some time off to recharge alone.

This has happened all the time, cycle repeats, so I know 100% he’s going to go back to his nice, mature guy when we go to college or when we are away. But I still don’t understand how someone could be so different. It doesn’t make sense to me. Like my dad and my brother it doesn’t make any sense. I even thought today in the morning that I don’t want to marry because I’m pretty sure my husband will turn out like my dad and my brother. They are such good people, in the end they love me so so so much and I know that. But it makes me afraid that men will be like that because no one would have guessed that the gentle, mature guy like my dad and bro could be such people with their family.

How do I resolve this tension with my brother when he’s like this ? I’m an adult now, 23 (he’s 25) and it makes me embarrassed I’m still having internal issues about my family, and I also doubt that maybe everything’s my fault. Maybe I’m doing something wrong that is not able to keep my family at peace. Or maybe that I’m not grateful that I have great loving family who support me so so much in every way when there are other families that are divorced and have other issues. Mine seems so mild and like I’m complaining all the time.