Eh

Ok. Forget the story. Seriously. I’m done with it. I’m just angry now. This had gone on long enough.

How it started: transit Uranus conjunct natal Eros.

I met Caroline. There was an attraction. One night she sat down with me to do close out paperwork and I physiologically felt her feel out the vibe. I felt it psychically and in my spine. From that point on we were in polarity. I would feel her energetically through my spine as she walked into the room. Back turned, talking to other people, across the damn restaurant far away…I felt her.

She tested me on it once because she didn’t believe me. When I proved my awareness of her presence without even having to look up across the room she freaked out. It IS freaky.

It’s like we’re all subconsciously connected.

I shouldn’t be feeling that or knowing that at this physical depth. I am though. It’s excruciating.

Whenever I got mad and internally quit the relationship it’s like she energetically knew. I’d turn around and within seconds she’d be there standing in front of me and we’d fall right back into it. She wasn’t conscious of it, but I was. It was bizarre. Truly bizarre.

I’m tired of that feeling….being able to feel someone else energetically. I’m tired of the subconscious runner chaser polarity. It’s exhausting and it’s really sad. 😔

With Sarah, transit Uranus conjunct natal Chiron/ progressed Eros. Ouch again. When I turn towards her she checks out. When I turn away she checks in. I want to cry. I’m tired of feeling her presence too. I always know.

I don’t want this feeling anymore.

Do you know why it would be a love worthy of the gods? It’s pretty much energetically impossible to be turned towards each other at the same time.

It’s runner chaser-yes. But at a deep subconscious depth.

Pluto SN was the myth story. I’m hoping that ends May 1. I’ll give it until the 15th since I understand astrology cycles better now.

Transit Uranus leaves Taurus at the end of April. So basically May is when things should be better. No more false start retrogrades. I kept advancing and the retrogrades would set me back. It was awful. I want out now. Thank god the retrogrades are done-I couldn’t move forward I kept getting dragged back for more. It was miserable.

I shouldn’t ever have to go back. Everything is moving forward. No more retrogrades in old places.

My body is so fried. The physiological intensity is unreal. People don’t get it. Why would they?

I start Wellbutrin tomorrow. Hopefully that will help me. Although it’s going to take time to psychologically recover from this. It’s not something you can just casually flip a switch and make peace with.

This did damage. Physical, emotional, psychological. There’s no more romanticizing or sugar coating it.

I’m done with the story. It’s fools gold. Give it up. Stop chasing. Embrace death.

I embrace death.

I don’t want anyone near me. I don’t want to feel this way ever again. I don’t believe in romantic love. I will pursue medication that will prevent me from feeling anything this deeply.

I haven’t had a flare up in weeks. That’s good. People still react to me but I’m better and better at being in control and maneuvering people and their weird reactiveness.

I told my Dad I was really stressed because I bring up weird stuff out of people. He’s literally watching it happen real time with my stepmom. I’m like, I told you bro…women have very very very strange reactions to me. It’s goddamned bizarre.

It has to be the archetype. I wasn’t like this before. Maybe it’s archetypal possession. Maybe it’s trauma. Maybe it really is written in the stars. This pattern isn’t going away. At least not on the astrology map. I’m better at staying in control. Without Uranus it’s so much easier. No more electrocution.

A few more weeks and I pray it will be over. I can’t do this anymore. I just can’t.

An ego death when it comes to this stuff is what I’m embracing. Complete and total failure and defeat. Kill me. Please-mercy kill.

Hope dies last. The grief is real. I still feel a lot of pain,

it’s not radiating out of me anymore. I hope to god medication settles it even more. I can’t keep feeling like this. I absolutely won’t. I won’t.

I’ll let it slide until May. After that…no.