A journal entry I wrote a while ago...

Hey. I hope this is the right place to post this. There's this journal entry I wrote when I was a freshman in college. I was a virgin and massively crushing on my supervisor from a lab I worked in. I was the only girl surrounded by guys and was struggling. I'm not a writer but was wondering how people would react to this piece of writing. I know I sound like a crazy person, but I was having really strong emotions at that time. Tell me I was crazy if you think so too, lol. I wrote the last one in a fit of sexual frustration and came by the end of it. I think that's enough context. Here it is:

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10/30/19
I haven't been here in a long time and really needed to vent earlier but have calmed down now and will simply explain the situation. This problematic self conscious, low self-esteemed noggin of mine is causing problems and running through a world of delusions. You know how cats are? When you feed them, they keep coming back to you?

I am so pissed off. I am furious. What is wrong with me? Drew Hudson has captured the attention of more than just my head, but a part of me that I can’t seem to control very well. Why is this even happening? Well, I can take a venture. He’s hot, well mannered, crisp (at times), intriguing, the oldest, and compliments me. Completely platonic compliments, but enough for this cactus to catch on to. I wish I was stable enough to not react like this. I wish I didn’t need a man’s approval. I wish I wasn’t “crushing” hard. And this past week it's excited me, terrified me and infuriated me and I just want more.

I want him to tell me how special I am and how impressed he is with me. I want him to throw me glances until his neck strains. I want him to brush up against me and reach across me a million times over to grab things that he could so easily grab by just taking an extra step around me. I want him to pause and watch me before he says what he’s there for until we run out of time. I want his heart to race every time he sees me. I want him to yearn to be in front of me whenever he’s near and to. But I also don’t want any of this, because there's nothing I can do with it.  And if I wasn’t who I am, I would throw it all away and ask Drew to dance with me because I think we’d enjoy it.

But at this moment, I’ve chosen to ignore Drew from now on. If I have a question, I’m going to Finley. I will not talk to Garret either because he will just remind me of how much I’d rather be talking to Drew. Every time I hear someone who sounds like Drew or see someone who is dressed like Drew, my heart hurts. Everytime I actually see him, it hurts and I can’t breathe right. I HAVE to take a pause and regroup.

This all happened so quick that I’m not quite sure what’s going on. Today he was lining up embryos and all I wanted him to do was turn around and look at me. It’s intoxicating when he looks at me. As if he wouldn't rather be doing anything else at that moment. I’m going to avoid his eyes at all costs.

I’m interested to see what happens. If I don’t interact with him, will he go out of his way to interact with me? This means not saying hi to him and only answering his questions with just enough of an answer. Let’s do it, now I’m curious. Also today he was talking to Lindsey more than he was to me and I wanted him to talk to me. I didn’t want him to leave. I don’t know what I might do to get his attention.

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Monday 11/4/19

7:50 pm
Drew is enchanting. Everytime I think about him, my heart does somersaults. I saw him today and he smiled and asked, what are you doing here. I lied and said I didn’t know you’d be here. He said, I always come in on Mondays in the gentlest voice. I continued on doing my work. He looked dashing today. His beard and hair looked clean and his eyes mesmerizing as always. As I was working, I believe a girl was waiting for him. I think she’s his girlfriend.

I really should start avoiding Drew. I’ll be sure to come in early on Wednesday. I don’t want to be around Drew too long because I crave him. He gave me his number today, because he wanted me to text him if Dr. F came in before I left. He wrote it on a sheet of paper and left. I said I’d probably be leaving in 5 minutes and he said well if I need anything just text and he placed it on the table beside me. I wanted to cherish that moment and touch that piece of paper, however I didn’t dare. I left it exactly as he placed it on the table. I took a picture of it and wrote it down in my contacts. Create contact > Drew Hudson.

I just want to forget about him. I’m around so many guys constantly that they’ve kind of infected my mind. I need to hang out with friends and get guys off my brain. I want to dress for myself, not so that Drew’s heart could swoon. I understand there's a serious problem here. I think the answer is to start hanging out with girls. They don’t even need to be friends. It’s whatever, just ask anyone I mildly know out for lunch. I'm trying to schedule something with Ashlyn this week. Also I might ask Brie out. I hate fantasizing or caring about what other guys think.

This isn't right. I need to keep complete boundaries with the others in M lab, especially Garret. He doesn’t know where his bounds are and I’m the one who is supposed to draw those lines, however I haven’t yet and its exhausting especially since Garret was way too close last time and just kept coming closer. I could smell the same cologne he wears everyday and I didn’t like it. In my head I wish it were Drew coming that close, however I need to set bold black lines (Drew’s colorblind so red wouldn’t work). I’ll put earbuds in next time, get my work done, and then leave. No chit chat, absolutely no nonsense talking. If it's not needed, then don’t say it, seriously. May God protect me.

8:50 pm
I just want to see his face again. What does he do on a regular? I want to know everything about him. Does he masturbate? Who does he sleep with? How often does he sleep with her? 

I want him to take me for a ride. Try me on for size. I know he’s not a virgin, there’s no way. He drinks. He’s Chaldean. I want to make out with him. I want to run my hands through his hair and I want him to want me. I want him to lift me up and take me on the wall, rip my underwear off and take me on the counter. I’ve never had these types of fantasies with anyone else. I want him to fuck me. Kiss me until we can’t breathe. Trail his wet kisses all over my body. Grab me desperately and turn me around and take me unapologetically. Leave bruises all over my body until I’m numb. Moan into my ear and gasp and press me up against the wall where there is no escape. And tease me and hold my arms over my head and restrain me and fuck me like he’s never fucked anyone. I want him to cum and eat me out until I gasp and scream out his name. And quiver under his hot mouth.